The Spotless Mind

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to take all my clothes off and lie down in a very strong magnetic field. You?”

Ah the joys of an MRI scan. At least I suppose there is one consolation from all the scariness, the heart rate acceleration, the sweaty palms, rigid fear and the thought I was going to 1. Pass out   2. Pass out and fall off the table and   3. Pass out, fall off the table and DIE! Yes it is that I had a reason why my hair looked like this on waking this morning…

Usually I don’t have half that excuse. No less scary when looking in the mirror though. Anyway like everyone else I did survive the procedure. Mad thing is I had this procedure about nine months ago and I remembered thinking then it wasn’t as bad as I thought. This time is was worse than I remembered. I was terrified. Then I woke this morning after a bit of an unsettling dream.

I suppose it didn’t help that I came home after the scan and watched the movie Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind as a way of trying to relax and let my heart rate settle. I find it quite a sad film and it made me think that in a way it is exactly what I have been unconsciously trying to do over the last year or so. You know, remove every memory of my relationship that ended and caused me so much heartbreak. Of course I didn’t do this consciously but more it was what I felt I had been forced to do, to recreate a life. Some of it has been deliberate though.

My life is in many ways unrecognisable from that previous time. Almost everything that I see on a daily basis is either new or remodelled in some way. I have gutted this house that I bought in my distress, making it modern, white and adapted to suit me down to the very inch. Newly painted and spotless walls maybe but what about the mind?

On thinking about my dream I remember that at my last module of my training course in NLP we were told that everything in our dreams is about us the dreamer. People in our dreams just represent certain aspects of ourselves or some issue we are dealing with. Also I’ve been told it is a way for our subconscious to make contact with us, sending us a message if you like. Hmmn.

The dream had me revisiting my now ex partner and finding she was living a single life of sorts and still had some habits I used to find very annoying. Although we didn’t discuss it in the dream I understood that her last relationship had ended and that there would never be another big, real and meaningful relationship again. She also had a dark house with a very nice garden and because I had spent time with her I was now going to be late for something that was important. I’ll make of that what I will bearing in mind my neurotransmitters had been scattered somewhat by the magnetism and yet, it could all really be me!

The premise of the film is that a couple have the memories of their relationship that has now gone sour removed so that they can ‘move on’ from it without all the attendant remorse, hurt etc., etc. Of course one of them begins to regret it during the removal procedure and tries to wake up from the process to stop it. He realises that he doesn’t want it all removed and finds instead a taste of a universal truth that it is better to have the memories, painful though they are, as how else are we to learn? (The movie illustrates also in the back story the consequences for not learning from our mistakes). I had seen the movie before and couldn’t quite remember the story but knew I had thought it was good and that I should watch it again. I guess there is also a message about the enduring power of love.

Back to my new, real life and my memories are still intact (except when the menopausal fog descends and I look at notes I’ve written the day before and realise I’m reading them for the first time…) There is a message for me here somewhere. Oh yes and I am trying to write up another of my interviews of inspiring women who have gone through big changes – keep a look out in the next couple of days. In the meantime Happy New Year to the blogging world – I’m off to comb my hair and get the iron filings off me!